|
It's a relief to know the
truth after all those conflicting medical studies:
The Japanese eat relatively little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks
than the British or Americans.
The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the
British or Americans.
The Japanese drink relatively little red wine and suffer fewer heart
attacks than the British or Americans.
The Italians drink generous amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer
heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and other fatty
foods and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently
what kills you. |
During a playful argument, a man asked his wife why she
married him in the first place.
"I was just stupid," she teased. But when her husband said he was
happy to hear that, she requested an explanation.
"People get divorced all the time because they fall out of love," he
said. "But I've never heard of anybody falling out of stupid."
|
| "The reason for time is that
everything doesn't happen at once." - Albert Einstein |
| There can't be a crisis today;
my schedule is already full. |
|
HOW TO
STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes
age, weight and height. Let the doctor worry about them. That is why you
pay him/her.
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull
you down.
3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer,
crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. " An idle mind is
the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer.
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp
for breath.
6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on.
The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE
while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether
it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your
home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it.
If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get
help.
9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall,
to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.
10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at
every opportunity.
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we
take, but by the moments that take our breath away. |
A young man who was also an avid
golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured
if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he
had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman
shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as
he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent
to join him.
To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the
ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.
Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself
with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his
ball - and directly between his ball and the green. After several
minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You
know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree." With
that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball
up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on
the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay. The old man
offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree
was only 3 feet tall." |
One day a little girl was sitting
and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She
suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair
sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of
your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and
make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then
said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
|
|
Oxymorons
|
Government Organization |
Alone Together |
|
Personal Computer |
Silent Scream |
|
Living Dead |
Same Difference |
|
Taped Live |
Plastic Glasses |
|
Tight Slacks |
Peace Force |
|
Pretty Ugly |
Working Vacation |
|
Tax Return |
Virtual Reality |
|
Dodge Ram |
Work Party |
|
Jumbo Shrimp |
Accidentally on Purpose |
|
True Lies |
A Fine Mess |
|
|
Great Hymns
| The Dentist's Hymn |
----- |
Crown Him With Many Crowns |
| The Weatherman's Hymn |
----- |
There Shall Be Showers of Blessings |
| The Contractor's Hymn |
----- |
The Church's One Foundation |
| The Tailor's Hymn |
----- |
Holy, Holy, Holy |
| The Golfer's Hymn |
----- |
There is a Green Hill Far Away |
| The Politician's Hymn |
----- |
Standing On The Promises |
| The Optometrist's Hymn |
----- |
Open My Eyes That I Might See |
| The IRS Agent's Hymn |
----- |
I Surrender All |
| The Gossip's Hymn |
----- |
Pass It On |
| The Electrician' Hymn |
----- |
Send the Light |
| The Realtor's Hymn |
----- |
I've Got A Mansion Just Over the
Hilltop |
| The Pilot's Hymn |
----- |
I'll Fly Away |
| The Paramedic's Hymn |
----- |
Revive Us Again |
| The Psychiatrist's Hymn |
----- |
Just A Little Talk With Jesus |
| The Architect's Hymn |
----- |
How Firm A Foundation |
| The Zookeeper's Hymn |
----- |
All Creatures of Our God and King |
| The Waiter's Hymn |
----- |
Fill My Cup, Lord |
| The Lifeguard's Hymn |
----- |
Rescue The Perishing |
| The Baker's Hymn |
----- |
When The Roll Is Called Up Yonder |
| The Shoe Repairer's Hymn |
----- |
It Is Well With My Soul |
| The Geologist's Hymn |
----- |
Rock of Ages |
| The Umpire's Hymn |
----- |
I Need No Other Argument |
| The Librarian's Hymn |
----- |
Whispering Hope |
|
For those
who speed on the highway...
|
| 45 mph |
----- |
God Will Take Care Of You |
| 55 mph |
----- |
Guide Me, O Thou Great Jehovah |
| 65 mph |
----- |
Nearer My God To Thee |
| 75 mph |
----- |
Nearer Still Nearer |
| 85 mph |
----- |
This World Is Not My Home |
| 95 mph |
----- |
Lord, I'm Coming Home |
| over 100 mph |
----- |
Precious Memories |
|
|
In primitive society, when native tribes beat the
ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft. Today, in
civilized society, it is called golf.
Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.
Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the
world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.
Golf: a five mile walk punctuated with
disappointments.
The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard,
straight and not too often.
There's no game like golf--you go out with three
friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.
Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now it has
millions of poor players.
An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball
twice: once before swinging, and once again after swinging.
Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy
because the cart cannot count, criticize or laugh. |
|
Living on earth is expensive, but you do get a free trip
around the sun once a year. |
David Brinkley once said about
reporters, "If Moses were to receive the ten commandments today, it
would be reported as follows: The Lord Almighty gave 10 commandments to
Moses today and here are three considered important." |
|
Name That Christmas Carol
1. Bleached Yule
2.
Castaneous Colored Seed Vesicated in a Conflagration
3. Singular
Yearning for the Twin Anterior Incisors
4. Righteous
Darkness
5. Arrival
Time 2400 hours--Weather Cloudless
6. Loyal
Followers Advance
7. Far Off
In a Feeder
8. Array the
Corridor
9. Bantam
Male Percussionist
10. Monarchial Triad
11. Nocturnal Noiselessness
12. Jehovah Deactivate Blithe Chevaliers
13. Red Man in Route to Borough
14. Frozen Precipitation Commence
15. Proceed and Enlighten on the Pinnacle
16. The Quadruped with the Vermillion Proboscis
17. Query Regarding Identity of Descendant
18. Delight for this Planet
19. Give Attention to the Melodious Celestial
Beings
20. The Dozen Festive 24 Hour Intervals
|
|
How Many Christians Does
It Take To Change A Light Bulb?
Charismatic - only one. Hands are already
in the air.
Pentecostal - ten. One to change the bulb
and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
Presbyterians - none. Lights will go on and
off at predestined times.
Roman Catholic - none. Candles only.
Baptists - at least 15. One to change the
light bulb and three committees to approve the change and decide who
brings the potato salad and fried chicken.
Episcopalians - three. One to call the
electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk about how much better
the old one was.
Unitarians - We choose not to make a
statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb.
However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for
you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern
dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service in which we will
explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent,
florescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally
valid paths to luminescence.
Methodists - undetermined. Whether your
light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a
light bulb, turnip bulb or a tulip bulb. Church wide lighting service is
planned for Sunday. Bring a bulb of your choice and a covered dish.
Nazarene - six. One woman to replace the
bulb while five men review church lighting policy.
Lutherans - none. Lutherans don't believe
in change.
Amish - What's a light bulb? |
|
What did the golf ball say
to the New Age Guru?
What is
my course in life? How far shall I take it? |
|
